This is a powerful article I found on Sassy, Spunky, & Spirited. I know that I identify with the feeling of being disgusted after compulsively eating. There is a lot of wisdom in here and I think we can all gain something from reading it.
“I came home and started to binge. There was real hunger, but I also had so much I wanted to avoid/distract myself from with food. I started to feel full… ate some more bites… and then stopped. I’ve never done that… been so close to just falling into the black hole of a food binge… and then just backed my a$$ up. I know this isn’t what I want to do anymore. I’m making changes. I had been binge-free for a whole week before today. I wasn’t going to do this again, I wasn’t going to fail this time. I decided to stop.
And then I felt anxious again… I opened the fridge… closed it… Grabbed my cup of teaand drank. And breathed. And drank some more tea. And felt guilty… and ashamed… and deeply deeply disappointed in and disgusted with myself. How could I let myself eat like that? And once I started, how could I just stop?! What was I doing, stopping before numbing myself into a food coma? Look at yourself. You’re never going to get there. You’re never going to be the size/weight you want to be. What’s the point in trying? You’ve proved it time and time again you can’t do it. Just go ahead and eat.
I feel stuck. I didn’t do things right. But I didn’t go all the way wrong, so here I am, feeling all the suckiness of both sides: bloated AND fully aware. Ashamed, repulsed, wanting to just reverse it any way possible. … *deep breath*…
These emotions suck. I tried to escape from them by burying them under food. But I don’t want to do this old song and dance anymore. I’ve made progress, and I’m not going to let one night, one time completely unravel me. I’m too strong for that. I’m too determined for that. I’m too committed to healing for that. Just keep breathing. It will get easier. And next time, you’ll be able to go a week and a half without binging… and then two weeks… and then a month… and eventually your whole life. It will get better. You will work through this.
If you got an F on a test, would you stop studying and doing your homework? Would you resign yourself to failing the class? Never! You would work even harder, commit even more of your time to MAKING SURE you pass that class! And you’re going to pass this one.
Believe in yourself. You really can do it.”