Sunday night I went to dinner with my family. I realized on the way I wasn’t hungry. I was also thinking about a lot of other things. Feelings that I have yet to really express or feel myself. As I looked out the window little things started to bring me back to the old days with people who aren’t in my life for whatever reason it may be.
When we all sat down at dinner I looked over the menu and told my family nothing sounded good and I am simply not hungry. I told the waitress I am just going to have water for tonight. She gave me a strange look like that wasn’t okay or normal.
Then I started looking around and thinking a lot. Everyone is looking at me. I’m not eating so everyone thinks that I have an eating disorder. That’s why everyone is looking at me. I didn’t touch a single thing at dinner.
This was an eye opener for me and only for me. I realized that the way I handle my feelings is with my eating disorder. The focus becomes on not eating rather than on what I’m feeling.
Other times I stuff my feelings by overeating. Around people I won’t eat because it’s easy to just say you ate earlier, or I’m not hungry but thank you. There isn’t anytime to eat. I have to make sure I don’t cry, that I don’t break down, that I keep my smile on and show no feelings.
I can cry when I am alone. That is when it’s bad news. That’s when I stuff my face with food and it doesn’t stop until I can’t breathe anymore. I then yell about everything and eat everything in sight and feel gross.
If you asked my friends and family about me or to describe me in a few words I know they would say I am a strong woman, confident, independent, and very outgoing. And I agree with them, I totally am. That’s me.
That’s me. The outside me. What I show everyone. What I need and want people to think and know me for. So no one worries about me or questions me. So my parents can talk about me to their friends, brag as we call it.
The hardest things in life are the things people don’t see; the feelings people don’t understand. It makes me feel alone in a world full of people.
Why is it so hard to express my feelings? Why am I so afraid to show my true self? Why do I need to resist, ignore, and even reject them? It is an uphill battle I fight daily.